That’s a pretty ominous title, isn’t it? I won’t lie, I’ve been grappling with a lot of things since Covid started. I mean, we all have. Now that life is getting back to some semblance of normal, I’ve had some big realizations of “how much time and effort” I continue to put into certain efforts that while some might say have achieved success, my personal mentality has it sitting in a lukewarm bath where all the bubbles have basically fizzed out.
Let’s talk books. I have been trying for 14 years to be a successful novelist. Am I successful? To some, sure:
- My Kelsey Porter series is six books deep
- The Hunt for Xanadu has a review by the amazing novelist Douglas Preston
- The Hunt for Xanadu was a $200 Jeopardy! question back in October 2016
- My books get really great reviews for the most part, which makes me happy
- My FLYING TO THE LIGHT series was on a ton of deaf websites and now in deaf schools around the country
BUT, I’m not selling anything. Well, not enough to sustain an actual wage. In fact, there are some months I can’t even get a latte at Starbucks with my earnings. This month is doing pretty good, for me, but would appall someone trying to pay their mortgage. To be honest, I’m just ecstatic someone is reading my novels and even happier when I get that coveted review.
But, it’s exhausting folks. Just exhausting.
When Covid hit, I published Book #6 in the Kelsey Porter series in May 2020. And then, for the first time in 14 years, I stopped writing. I mean, I literally ceased. I used to write every day. But it was as if my brain went on hold and had enough. Part of me wants to get back to it, but another part of me is sad at the same time. I do have one completely finished, and professionally edited, and beta read, genetic thriller sitting in my computer, but I’m leery to publish it. My beta readers and editor came back lukewarm to my bad guys, and the book has some racial undertones. Due to the current social climate of the world right now, I’m simply not strong enough to publish and withstand any backlash, because I’m 100% sure there will be as people are so sensitive right now, so this 75K romantic thriller is just sitting in my computer. I have thought about it a lot over the year. Do I revamp the bad guys? Do I change my characters? I just don’t know. I’m just too exhausted to start over. I mean, I love the book as it is, but… well… do I trust those who have reviewed it? Yep. But at the same time, I’m conflicted. So, it just sits…
I’ve decided to simply let life happen to me as it happens. If I want to write again one day, I will. Even doing this blog post is a big deal. I’ve been lax with that, too. But I think it will come back again. Once the world rights itself and once I get a chance to stop having to manage and navigate the emotional stresses all around me.
Be safe everyone. Try to find your joy. Love to hear from you.